Work - How Do You Do It?

For me, I had a business to keep running, and it was frightening. I just kept getting up every morning, getting myself together and going to work. I not only needed to keep it together for myself, but for my team, who’s livelihood’s depend on our business as well. I’m not going to lie. It’s a lot of pressure.

Because I have quality people working with me, we have been able to persevere. Bill’s dying affected them greatly as well. We were all very close.

At the end of the day, I just kept doing what I had already been doing. Just doing a heck of a lot more as I took over everything Bill had been doing. I was in the office the day after he died. In fact, I think the only day that I didn’t come into the office, at least until he was in hospice was the day he died. I was still taking calls, answering emails…I didn’t know what else to do.

We want to make Bill proud and that’s what we tell ourselves. Bill would be proud. And we always ask “What would Bill do?”. We know that’s the right answer.

We still cry probably a couple of times a week, or at least get really misty. And that’s OK. Sometimes just a couple of us, sometimes with clients, both old or new. People that didn’t know and bring up how great our website is and how they always admired what Bill did, (that happened to me two days ago), past clients who have now lost someone, some to the same hideous cancer, some with clients that just ask how I’m doing. Sometimes it’s just the emotion of having someone be kind enough to ask. It really means so much.

One foot in front of the other. It’s all we can do.

Widow's Fog, Insurance, Bad People, and How They Try and Take Advantage of You

Sad but true. There are nasty people out there that prey on the weakness or perceived weakness of others in a vulnerable state.

Widow’s Fog

At the time you most need to be thinking straight, you will not be able to.

You will have Grief Brain/Widow’s Fog, whatever you want to call it. It’s real. Write everything down, you will not remember it if you don’t. Keep lists. Take photos of checks or anything that you want to remember. Don’t throw out any paperwork, don’t do anything major at all if you can help it.

In my case, I had no time to prepare as Bill died so quickly. I have friends whose husbands were sick for years, and in their cases, they had time to get things in order. I had no time. And regardless of which side of the coin you are on, no matter what, you are going to be in a fog.

I had to arrange to sell three vehicles, one of which was a very high-end (until it came time to sell), brand new motorhome. It wasn’t easy, but because I reached out to people that I knew or who knew people in that world, I got it sold. And because our car guy is and still is, a very close friend, he arranged for me to sell Bill’s Range Rover back to the dealer. But there were things that happened like the fact that I hadn’t been driving the tow vehicle and the battery died. And since everything is electronic, the vehicle needed a brand new battery which could only be done at the dealers, etc…sounds like not a big deal, but when your spouse just died, dealing with these little things can feel overwhelming.

There is a lot that has been written on this subject, and as I recall in Widow to Widow, she addresses it quite well.

Bad People

As much as we’d hope that everyone means well, there are people that do not. I’ve been fortunate that in my personal life, I haven’t had anyone try and take advantage of me.

In business though, it’s a different story. I’m in a very competitive business and have been at the top of my industry in my area for a while now. This was due to a lot of blood, sweat, and tears from Bill and me. We worked very hard to be the best.

When he died, I know for a fact that there were horrible people in my industry that thought it would be better for them that he was gone as it was well known that he ran the back of the house of the business. That first year my team was again number one in our sales volume, even with losing Bill. So things went along as they had been

Then the true colors of certain people showed their ugly heads, to mix some metaphors. Things were done to me, and are continuing to be done, by people that would have never dared to pull this kind of behavior if Bill was still around. So that is irritating. But on the flip side, if they think I’m going to roll over and not take care of business, they have another thought coming. I’m not about to let dishonest, unethical people get away with it. It’s only a matter of time before they have to pay the piper.

Pay Attention

The thing is to be aware. Find people you can trust who specialize in whatever you are dealing with and run things by them. Get a different perspective. Make sure you are doing the right thing. And take your time.

There are plenty of things on my Evernote list that I haven’t gotten to yet. And you know what? The world is still spinning. It didn’t stop because I didn’t get a utility put into my name or cancel a driver’s license, etc…I will get to those things when I can.

Insurance

One of the worst things was dealing with the insurance. On a good day, that is not something that I care to deal with. And when the paper flood starts coming in you can drown in it. I gathered everything into piles, organized it and a neighbor couple of mine who runs their own insurance business volunteered to look over everything and help me.

One of the things that I didn’t know is that a lot of the bills will be “forgiven” when the insured person is dead. I would have just been paying bills, thinking I was doing the right thing if at some point I didn’t learn this fact from someone on the other end of the phone one day.

I would have found out a lot more if I’d been part of the online groups at that point, but I wasn’t. So it’s a good thing to get connected right away. I guarantee that if you post a question, you’ll get the answers from a lot of people and it will save you time and energy.

The Solitude and the Silence

I’ve spent a respectful amount of time lately on Facebook pages like Widow Dark Thirty, and every single person as far as I can tell goes through the same thing. I know I did.

The silence is deafening and mainly people have the TV on just to have it feel like there is something taking up the empty silence. The minute I would walk into the house after work, I’d turn on the TV. I still do. The minute I’d get up and go into the kitchen, the TV would go on. I found that during the season, for some reason, football would be oddly soothing. Just background. I never cared about any of the games.

And to be clear, the TV was never on in the mornings or during the day before.

I am a huge music listener, and had my AV guy come and get my system up to snuff so that I can control everything on my phone, computer, or iPad. I have music throughout my home and I listen to it a lot, mainly on the weekends.

I also have an Alexa, Echo, Tap, Dot, and 2 Shows. The great thing about these products is that you can tell them what to do, and they do it. Being naturally bossy, I like that. She talks back and sometimes it’s nice to hear another voice.

You will find that things that you never thought about in the past now seem so in your face. It’s normal. Connecting with others online is a good way to know that you are not losing your mind. It’s just something that happens.

Having Hope Moving Forward Romantically

It’s hard to hope that one day things will be better when all you see around you is what’s missing and you are deep in the fog and the grieving. Even though you intellectually know that what people tell you, that it will get better, is likely true, in the middle of it it’s hard to believe.

I’ve had several particular instances where the interactions really lifted my spirits and made me think that maybe there is hope.

Not because I have to have someone, but because at some point, I’d like to have someone to trust, share experiences with, love, trust, all of that.

The first one was in St. Martin. This was in Feb of 2017, 6 months after Bill died. I was still a mess. I had gone there to be on a tv show on a yacht with a group of women from my area just to get out of town, and on our last day there I met a really great guy who is a private pilot. Actually, one of the other girls met him at the beach bar, I showed up after my massage, we started talking and he and his fellow pilot went with the group of us out to dinner that night. We sat next to each other, had a nice time at the dinner and he showed his true colors of being a great guy when there was an incident that he deftly handled. After dinner we all went back to the hotel where we were staying, had a drink in the bar and then as we were leaving early the next morning, headed up to our rooms. He walked me to the hall, I was going left, he was going right, and then surprising the heck out of me, he took my face in his hands and gave me a kiss on the lips. That was it, nothing more, nothing sleazy, just sweet. I was shocked as I hadn’t expected it. But it was just so kind, that it flipped the switch in my mind, that yeah, there might be life out there that doesn’t suck.

That began a relationship between the two of us that exists to this day. I haven’t seen him since that night, but we talk and text, sometimes a lot, sometimes not much. He’s involved with someone that was already in the works when I met him, so there’s that. But it doesn’t matter. It’s never been a romantic relationship. He reached out to me, helped me, vice versa, and we continue to support each other. He’s a good friend.

The most recent situation was just in the last week. Someone that I had spoken to a year ago but never met, contacted me as he was in town for business and I met him for dinner. And it was lovely. Kind, handsome, empathetic, gentleman, articulate, fit, just a really nice, very handsome guy. And he didn’t get spooked by me talking about Bill. So yeah, maybe they do exist. But just like the unicorn, you’ve got to look really, really hard!

This story will definitely be continued….

My Story Continued Part Two

August 6, 2016

The home health care guy helps me get Bill into my vehicle, which takes us a good 45 minutes in the blazing heat of the summer. We finally get him strapped in, I’ve packed a quick bag for both of us and I head down to San Diego.

I get him to the ER that is one of the University of San Diego hospitals around 1PM. They come out, get him out of the vehicle, into a wheelchair and checked into the ER. That part actually went fast as the surgeon’s office had arranged for it. And then we wait while they hydrate him, etc...I will never forget as he was lying there he had a moment where he could whisper and he said “I’m sorry cakes”. He couldn’t walk, talk, eat, barely function, but at that moment he was able to say that. It about killed me right then and there.

We continued to wait for a room, however the hospital was full, so at 1AM, we left to go to another hospital about 20 minutes away that was actually the one where Bill had had his surgery.

I followed the ambulance and was told by the security guard at the front of the hospital to park in the ER parking. So I did because I didn’t really want to be walking from the parking garage. Of course, the next morning I had a ticket for parking overnight there. Tried to fight it, but gave up after jumping through a lot of hoops. Just didn’t have the energy.

So Bill got checked into a room and I stayed with him since it was now 2 AM. Unfortunately it was a shared room and the other occupant was screaming, getting up every 5-10 minutes, yelling for the nurses, etc…I thought I was going to lose my mind.

At about 4 AM a staff member comes in, a young girl, and I hear her say to Bill, “Mr. So and So (not Bill’s name), “I have your medication”. Luckily I was there and told her that she had the wrong person, she was looking for the crazy guy on the other side of the room.

I about lost it. First of all she’s talking to Bill like he knows what she’s saying or even if he does, like he can respond. Which was idiotic. Secondly, what if I hadn’t been there? She would have given a brain cancer patient whatever drugs the guy across the room needed!

Finally a day or two later they moved that guy to a different room and another guy became Bill’s roommate. I was trying to be empathetic to his situation, but honestly I was about to let him have it if they hadn’t taken him somewhere else.

On Monday, they put Bill into the ambulance to transport him to Moore’s to continue his radiation. Since we’d been at the hospital, I’d been contacting extended care facilities in the area for Bill to stay at during the rest of the radiation treatment. I found a place that felt good and was going to go see it after his treatment that morning.

At some point two doctors called me into the room where they had Bill, still on the gurney. They had been studying his MRI’s from the weekend. With Bill laying there, they told me that the tumor had spread to his entire brain and that I needed to look at hospice. They could do whole brain radiation, but it wouldn’t help. I felt as if I was on a different planet. Up until that point, I honestly thought that he would get through it. I knew it would be a long and hard road, but we were doing everything we could. Now they are telling me that I need to take him somewhere to die.

I probably called my mom and Bill’s best friend. All I remember is that I cried day and night and that it had started on June 7th and didn’t stop for years.

They sent us back to the hospital, I started looking not at hospice, but extended care, found one in Palm Desert that was the best I could find, and on Wed morning at 5AM they ambulance transport I hired to take him there showed up and I followed them to Palm Desert to get Bill checked in.

August 10, 2016

The whole extended care experience lasted from August 10th to August 18, but it feels like it was much, much longer. Bill’s friends came to see him, my family and the few friends that I had told came, and we just existed in state of unbelief. He still was aware of certain things. Like his friend Frank cracked some joke and Bill’s stomach bounced up and down from him laughing internally.

Lots of stupid things happened during that week, that I will go into detail with anyone who wants to know what to look out for, but right now, I just don’t want to relive it.

August 18, 2016

Unfortunately Bill wasn’t able to swallow and so eating and drinking had continued to be an issue and now I was afraid that he was going to be so dehydrated that it was dangerous. So the extended care arranged to have an ambulance take him to the hospital in order to put a feeding tube in him.

At the hospital, the doctor that was taking care of his case asked for me to come take a look at some MRI images. This was the first time that any of the doctors actually showed me anything. He told me that at this point a feeding tube would just be one more procedure that would be very hard on Bill and that he didn’t think it was what I should do. Since I’d already figured out that we never should have done radiation and the small amount of chemo since it’s all poison and didn’t help him and only made him weaker, I agreed not to do it. Then the social worker for Hospice showed up.

I found the nicest Hospice facility and on August 18th, took Bill there.

August 18th -25th, 2016

Friends and family continued to gather around, but mainly I was alone with Bill. He slept a lot, I had my laptop and worked from his bedroom. I played music that he liked, talked to him, rubbed his legs, feet and arms, kept his mouth moist, held his hands, and just tried to keep breathing. I’d go home at night to feed the cats and get some sleep, and then be back the next day.

One day, and now I can’t remember if it was the last or not, I was sitting in my usual spot on the right side of the bed and he put his left hand on my side and then on my heart. He knew it was me.

August 25, 2016

At 1 AM the hospice called me and told me that Bill had passed. I became a widow. I had no idea what to do and I asked them. They told me I needed to contact a mortuary so I asked if they could email me a list. Which they couldn’t do so I sat and wrote down numbers. At 2 AM after calling my mom, I was making calls to try and figure out who I wanted to come get him. And what I planned on doing, which was cremation. Bill and I never discussed anything along these lines, but I thought it’s what he would want.