Post — Strong Like Bull

Mary, There is a lot of info about GMA's online, none of it which will make you feel any better, believe me. The stats are not good and I knew that going in. Although, I thought I could save my Bill. I got him the best care, the best surgeon, etc...and there was nothing to be done. I lost hours online reading all of the doom and gloom until I found one woman who's husband is still alive 12 years later. He does have a lot of issues that have lingered but he's alive. And as you and I know, we'd trade anything to have one more moment with our husbands. So I clung to that even though I knew better. But we have to have hope, right? Honestly, I'm sure you did, just as I did, everything that could be done. But it's in our nature to question if there could have been more. The answer is no and even if there was, it wouldn't have made any difference. My Bill knew who everyone was that was coming to see him up until the end even though he couldn't speak or barely move. He believed that God has a plan for each of us and that our fate is already laid out. He would have been at peace with going to Heaven. So I try and take comfort in that. I don't think that he suffered and that's kind of a (I think) a side effect of this tumor. He never questioned anything, never asked why, was never even agitated. I just took over and it all happened so fast, just like for you, that you don't even have time to catch your breath. Like you, coming home is not fun. I turn on the TV the minute I walk in the door. I go to bed by 8:30 because I'm exhausted from the emotional toll and my cats get me up at 5:30, not to mention there is construction going on on my street starting at 6 AM every day. Bill and I went out nearly every night due to our work. So I've been going out with friends at least 3 times a week. And if I spend most of the time crying, then so be it. My friends cry too because they know what a great guy Bill was. I go to the gym where I live every morning, just like I did before. I break out in tears when one of my neighbors comes in and asks me how I'm doing. I find that keeping up the things that I used to do is helpful. I talk to him every morning, every evening and all day long. I ask him to look after me and keep me safe. I try and remember the good times and not the last three months but as you know, those horrible memories come back into our minds to torture us. I sold Bill's Range Rover yesterday back to the dealer and that was very hard. Doing those kinds of things make it real even when it doesn't seem possible. Every time I look at his shoes and remember how hard it was for him to even put them on a few months ago, it tears me up inside. My cats sniff his shoes and clothes and they miss him as well. I know that over time it will not be as all encompassing as it is now but the sadness will never leave us and I just wish that we could fast forward to when the pain is less. We have to take solace in the fact that our guys knew how much we loved them and how we tried to help them. I know that I told Bill I loved him about a million times over the past few months and I only wish that prior to him getting ill I would have told him more. He never missed a night of telling me how much he loved me. He waited until he was 55 to get married and we were both very, very happy. It's not fair that the good guys get taken and there are all kinds of really bad people still walking around. But I do know that we'll drive ourselves crazy if we don't try and believe that our guys were OK at the end and it's up to us to carry on and keep their memory alive. I have another book that I haven't read yet along with a sermon that I've watched half of so far and I'll send you the info as they both look promising. The hardest thing is feeling helpless. When they were sick, we had a job and that was to get them better. When that didn't happen we feel like we failed and we are helpless. So we have to do things that get us to move forward. Not getting "over it", that's not going to happen, just doing something so that we accomplish something. Talk later. Sheri