Post — Strong Like Bull

Today is the third anniversary of Bill’s death.

I haven’t posted much lately, mainly because I’ve just been super busy with a lot of changes. I moved my office in mid-July, where I had been for five years and that was a big job with having to restore the space to how it was before we moved in and remodeled it. That was bittersweet but for the best. We are now only about one minute away from where we were, and now next to the main office, so it’s a good thing.

When I first started this journey, I felt like most everyone feels when it’s new. I could barely imagine anything outside of just trying to keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other to get through each day. In looking back, I honestly don’t know how I did it. I guess we just have a coping mechanism that kicks in and we do it. There wasn’t any other choice for me.

It’s been incredibly hard. I’m not going to lie. Aside from the personal suffering, I had two agents that worked with me for many years, steal from me and they are continuing to do so. (Update as of 2023: I took legal action and it was finalized this year). So there’s all that goes into that with hiring legal assistance to go after them, the feeling of betrayal from people whose careers were built on not only my blood, sweat, and tears, not to mention money, but Bill’s as well. I ask myself if they’d have the balls to do what they are doing if he was here and I don’t think they would. So that hurts. They were work family and they are thieves. So very disappointing.

On the positive side, the many girlfriends that were there for me, continue to be a huge part of my life. I cannot emphasize enough how important that is. I would have lost my mind without those girls and a few of the guys.

Now for the big news! As I look at the date on the last entry, I realize that that was on April 11th. And on April 19th I got engaged! Michael and I were in San Francisco for the weekend and he popped the question in Union Square.

If you would have asked me a year ago as I was on an airplane to Spain on this day, if I’d imagine that I would have met such a wonderful, loving, handsome man a few weeks after I returned and be engaged to him 6 months later, it would have been hard to picture. But yet, here I am. I’m here to tell you, there is hope.

One of the many things that I love and appreciate about Michael, is that he respects the relationship that I had with Bill. This is the text he sent to me this morning (he’s out of town on business):

Good morning my love. I know today is going to be difficult for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Although I never met Bill, everything I heard is that he was an amazing human being. He must have been to win your heart. I will always support keeping his memory alive and supporting you in that way. Love you and I’m here for you. 😘

He attached a video he took of a rainbow that popped up as he was texting me the message.

Now that’s a great guy!

I’ve said all along that in order to make sense of why something so tragic would happen to such a good person, I had to make sure that I learned lessons from it. Since there really is no answer to why this is about all we can do. All of us who have been down this road know how profoundly we are changed. My goal was and continues to be, to be a better person and to be better at things in my relationship that I could have done better before.

Life is a journey and we have to make the best of it while we can. My life wouldn’t be the same or as rich and meaningful if I hadn’t met and married Bill, and it wouldn’t be as rich and meaningful now if I hadn’t met Michael. I’m grateful to have had one, let alone now two, wonderful men in my life.

Bill, thinking of you today, as everyday…